Why I Could Never Date Christian Grey

Last night a friend and I went to go watch 50 Shades Darker. Yep, I managed to drag myself outside on a Wednesday night, crazy, I know! Before the movie I ran by Walgreens to grab some snacks, hid them in my laptop case and successfully managed to scam the theater once again. Just call me Joanne.

As someone who's read all three books, you can say I was excited. Fan girl excited? No, I only just read the books last year, but still pretty pumped. Having watched the first movie alone at home I didn't really have the ability to talk about it with anyone, and with none of my friends reading any of the books I kind of just kept all my commentary to myself.

Thankfully my friend hadn't even seen the first movie, which gave me full reign to talk throughout the movie to fill her in on all the stuff she missed in the first part of the series. My helpful hints turned into us giving full on commentary throughout the film, think of it as director's commentary but much more snarky.

By the end of the film we came to two conclusions, Anastasia must use a period tracker app and I am completely unqualified to date Christian Grey. Here's why...

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It's like she never menstruates

We were convinced Anastasia uses one of those period tracking apps, and if so, can she please recommend it to us? The girl never turns down sex because her lady parts are a bloody waterfall, there's never a mention of her needing to wear normal underwear in fear of leakage and bloating is a term she mustn't understand, cause her stomach is crazy toned. Me on the other hand is always surprised by mother nature, even though I actually do use an app! Bloat is becoming my middle name and I think my boyfriend keeps better track of my cycle than me. #embarrassing

I own one too many period underwear

The majority of the movie was spent laughing ever time Anastasia took off her underwear, for the simple fact that they were also so perfect looking. Sure, I own cute underwear that I wouldn't mind walking around the house in, but I also own pairs that have been with me since college and others that are for exclusively for wearing on my period. And none of them look like that. No hate, but really Anastasia, what's your secret?

I'm not good at fancy parties

It's not that I'm introverted, I'm just not outgoingly social. Thankfully Christian sees to share this sentiment, but my limited party abilities extend to what food I can consume, drinks I can have and dresses I can fit into. Plus, I'd most likely have a visible panty line all night. Blame it on my period panties.

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I hold a grudge

Spoiler ahead so if you haven't seen the movie skip over this point. Okay, now that they're gone, there's this scene in the movie where one of Christian's old submissives shows up and tries to basically hurt Ana. Christian manages to calm the woman down then proceeds to start petting her, like full on petting her! In Anastasia's apartment, while she watches. Ten minutes later and after a small fight they're back to normal. If that were me I'd hold onto that grudge for days, cause no man walks into my home and starts petting his ex. Cmon girl, that's fucking weird and you know it.

I'm the jealous type

Apparently Christian keeps a desk drawer full of files of his old submissives, unlocked! To a normal girl who's not from a broken home that's perfectly fine, but to a girl like me who has jealous tendencies and occasional fears of abandonment, that open drawer is basically an invitation. I know me, and me would escalate a fight by tossing those files off the balcony of his skyscraper. Not even sorry, the punishment seems to fit the crime of petting your exes hair in my apartment.

Have you watched any of the 50 Shades movies or read any of the books? Tell me if you think you and Christian would be compatible in the comments below!

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  1. Bahaha crying laughing at this. I havent seen the new one, but the soundtrack is gold. Now i kinda wanna watch it ironically. - Natalie from itsnothouitsme.com

    1. Dude! I ended up reading the books because Spotify recommended the soundtrack to me first! I liked it, the books are better but that always happens.

  2. omg crying this is hilarious. also i love that we think the same way - realistically. like duh obvi we all have period panties and turn boys down during that time.

    I was watching Twilight last night (the Eclipse movie) and when Bella and Edward are like on top of a snowy effing mountain all I could think about was where was she supposed to poo. And like, does edward not even have to poo? Do vampires not go to the bathroom? I basically only snapped back into the movie when Jacob took his shirt off and got into the sleeping bag with bella because Taylor Lautner's abs are hard to miss.

    xoxo Kelsey

    1. Yes, like I know it's a movie but cmon, just one time. And I'm skinny too but even I bloat after one too many Cokes. And I used to be obsessed with Twilight!! These books/movies are a lot like it, since they were based off them. And Eclipse is definitely one of my faves of the series.

  3. "I'd most likely have a visible panty line all night." I am CRYING omg. I never read the books and I know I cannot watch the movies because I would judge them. Love this post!


    1. Lol glad I gave you a good laugh. But I say have a girls night and watch them! There's nothing more fun than judging TBH