Listen, I’m not a terrible person, I promise. Most of the time I’m actually very kind, but like all humans I have my moments, usually fueled by boredom and the fact that my boyfriend would rather stare at the FIFA game than into my eyes. So yeah, boredom with a dash of jealousy for a fake game of a sport I hate. And in these moments I usually turn to the one app I love most of all, Instagram.
Whether it’s the rejection or boredom, maybe the hangriness too, for some reason I find myself purposefully not liking certain friends photos. Do I love and care for these people? Hell yes. But the petty side of me refuses to give them my like when they pull any of the shit I’m about to list below.
At the end of the day my opinion matters 0%, and my ‘like’ should mean nothing to them. But we’re human and we like to post things online for self validation, I get it, trust me. If my cat gets anything less than 100 likes you might as well tell me you ran him over. It’s just not okay with me. And I’m sure I have been guilty of half of this shit myself, so let’s relax and enjoy roasting people for the crappy pictures they post online.
Your vacation photos are anything but scenicWe all have that person on our feed who goes to Costa Rica or Disneyworld, puts a dramatic caption of how much fun they’re having, then proceed to cover the entire view with their face. You are so beautiful, but can you scoot like 6 feet to the left so I can admire that waterfall for like a second? Thanks.
Posts for attentionI’m all for dramatic song lyrics, but dramatic song lyrics and a fire selfie of yourself? No. You just cant have both, especially not if you’re not willing to DM me what the hell is going on and who you’re directing this at. Otherwise you’re just teasing the rest of us with your drama but not letting us all in on the secret.
Posting more than twice a dayOkay, three times if you are having the time of your life. I’m talking a bad ass vacation that at least half of your followers cant afford, your wedding day or the birth of a child. But even on those occasions, learn some damn self control and space them out! People who post multiple photos at once should be banned, cause no one wants to see all fifteen of your GoPro shots first thing in the morning.
Anything less than HDI’m sorry, but it’s 2017, we all have smartphones. Why do some people’s photos look like they were taken with a flip phone? I just cant. Please do us all a favor and don’t settle for the first photo you take.
Photos of familyI know, I’m a terrible person. For this one I’ll take the fall. But I’m sorry okay, I just don’t really care that it’s your grandpa’s birthday. I just don’t! Family is wonderful, but if I ignore mine what makes anyone think I wanna celebrate yours. Exceptions to this rule are adorable kindergarten gradations and kids slaying at prom. Otherwise, pass. I know, I'm terrible!
PDA photosPlease, make it stop! You’re in love and that’s soooo nice, but why do you think the rest of us wanna see you slip each other the tongue? You know what’s nice? A well thought out, heartfelt caption. PDA photos only get screenshotted and passed around.
Snapchat crossoversI was going to list selfies but I know that I live in a world where selfies are becoming a form of empowerment, and I’m not quite hangry enough to piss all over that. But Snapchat filtered selfies? *hold my purse* Snapchat filters are for Snapchat and those rare hilarious people who can pull them off on Instastories. But there is no reason to drag puppy ears and fake cheekbones onto Instagram. Watch a tutorial and come to slay with your real face, cause I cant pretend to act like this is okay anymore.
Shit I’m guilty of: hashtag hoarderJust cause I like to pick apart other people's habits doesn't mean I can't or won't roast myself. If you’ve ever visited my account you might have noticed I have a tendency to use hashtags. Like no less than 30 of them. My blog and business friends totally get why, but everyday people? I don’t blame you for being offended as hell by the looks of them.
Do you think I wanna use 30 hashtags? I don’t okay! But that’s how companies find me, so can we all continue to pretend like putting them in the comments makes it like they’re not even there? No? Okay, I guess I deserved that since I’ve been purposefully not liking photos of your nieces for years. Does this make us even?