Things Men Will Never Understand

This past three day weekend was spent streaming old episodes of Law and Order SVU and writing enough cover letters to last me a lifetime. While I typed up the reasons why I am a candidate worth hiring, I listened to Elliot and Olivia argue about the usual stuff. Women's rights, religion and their thoughts on who was guilty. Somewhere in the middle of season 7 Olivia yelled at Elliot for never being able to possibly understand to know what it feels like to be a woman walking home alone late at night.

I paused the episode and got to thinking about the every day (or every month) struggles that men cannot and will never be able to relate to. Don't get me wrong, they have their own issues too, such as feeling the pressure to always make the first move. But things are changing, girls are more open to the idea of putting themselves out there. Soon the dreaded feeling of having to ask a girl out first will be gone. You know what will never evolve until it is gone forever? My uterus.

Here are just a few of the things our dads, brothers, boyfriends and any random male on the street will never understand.

» Women's fashion making absolutely no sense. Besides the fact that you never know your size, we have to deal with shirts that are so thin we have to buy another shirt just to wear under it. I'm looking at you Hollister. Then there's the fact that shorts cost more than jeans, bras more than entire shirts, and underwear more than a tank. Underwear is a basic human right! Shouldn't you just get some free in the mail every few weeks?

» How you can be walking to class one minute, then feel like you were kicked in the vagina the next. And don't give me the cramps happen to both men and women argument, these are different! That cramp you got for not stretching properly does not equal the cramps females look forward to all month long. Five minutes of pain don't beat a week long marathon of fighting back whimpers. 

» The sadness that comes with having to throw away your favorite pair of underwear. Life is so unfair sometimes!

» Spending money on pieces of cotton that will be thrown out in a few hours. Shouldn't we be able to claim this on our taxes or something? It's not like we want to spend all this money on these items!

» "Can you check me?" And then the agony while you wait to hear an answer. 

» Sitting in a bathroom stall sounding like you're opening a bag of potato chips. Everyone knows what you're doing yet you still try to be stealthy about it. 

Don't get my started on the awkward "I want a bra" talk...
» Bras. How much they cost. How the cute ones never fit just right while the well fitting ones only come in bland colors. Yet another expense I should be able to declare on my taxes, like a child, only we need them support us not the other way around.

» Pap smears. 'Nuff said.

» The ability to give birth is amazing, but it also hurts like a b*tch. You can of course get an epidural, who can say no to a nice shot in the spine and being virtually paralyzed from the waist down?

» Cat calls. Nobody likes them, everyone hates you for doing them. 

» Receiving messages on Facebook from people in foreign countries requesting your "friendship." 

» Waxing. Virtually everywhere besides the hair on our scalp. We save those strands for hair styling tools that get as hot as 450 degrees Fahrenheit.

» Being called "crazy" for having emotions. Sorry for not being a sociopath.

» The look people give you when you tell them you don't wash your hair every day. You would think you just said you torture kittens for fun.

» That dreaded high school teacher who wouldn't allow us to use the restroom. Like hello? Do you want to be charged with my death? Cause of death: toxic shock syndrome. 

» Walking into a new store and not knowing your size. Our clothing sizes aren't as practical as men's. I'm probably an XXL in American Eagle while an XS in Forever 21. Logic? There is none.

» And finally, how we can dislike someone without every formally having met them. It's an intuition thing okayyy??


  1. hahhah this is so true! esp about feeling kicked in the vag part. or how about you're happy one second and the next you want to cry and murder someone at the same time?!

    Vodka and Soda

    1. You want to murder someone WHILE eating a entire can of chocolate frosting!